Money Talks
How to make those talks pay
Published on April 10, 2012 by Marty Babits in The Middle Ground Special guest-post by Dr. Ella Lasy, Co-Director of FACTS (Family and Couples Treatement and Training Service), a division of ICP (Institute for Contemporary Psychotheapy) in Manhattan.
Do you and your partner blow up or shut down when you discuss your budget or expenses? If so, you have lots of company. Many couples have difficulty discussing money matters and it is completely understandable.
Money is hard to talk about. Our society has not encouraged people to be open and honest about financial issues. For example, most of us do not know how much money our friends or siblings earn. In other words, we have little or no experience talking about money, except perhaps with our immediate family when we were growing up.
In addition, society sends contradictory messages to us about money. On the one hand rich people are ‘better’ than the rest of us and on the other hand, poor people are ‘noble’. On the one hand we should all strive to make as much money as possible, on the other hand, we should do work that helps others (which is usually poorly paid). Finally, many of us feel greedy or dirty when we want more money, no matter what the reason.
It is understandably difficult to sort out our feelings when they happen on the logical level and the emotional level simultaneously and most of them have not been explored.
What can you do to increase the success of your financial talks with your loved one?
WHAT TO DO:
1. Have a conversation about your expenses on a regular schedule. Most people find it easy to discuss their expenses when they receive their paycheck. You could schedule a short meeting to discuss what money came in, what bills need to be paid, how much you want to/can save (if any) and what you want to plan for in the future. One important part of this meeting is to be sure you both know the numbers and how they stack up.
2. The second important part of this meeting is to discuss the meaning of each expense for each of you. Money, savings and buying the latest thing have different meanings to different people. It is important to get to know yourself and your partner on this level.
3. There is a big difference between needs and wants. ‘Needs’ are things your family absolutely cannot do without, such as rent, food, insurance and basic clothing. ‘Wants’ are things that you would like, that you feel will enhance your life, make your life easier or more pleasurable.
4. Listen to your partner with the goal of learning how the other thinks.
WHAT NOT TO DO:
1. Do not be judgmental of your partner. Simply state that you have a different feeling about an item. In fact, you each may have numerous contradictory feelings about each item, which may make the conversation more challenging.
2. Do not vent your irritation or anger if you feel enraged. Instead, suggest that you both have a ‘cool down time‘ and reconvene at an agreed upon time when you both feel calm.
3. Do not have these fights in front your children, if you have children. While it is wonderful to teach your children your values about money, it is not good to have them witness your ongoing fights.
4. Do not make any decision while angry.
Remember, money means different things to different people and all of them are correct. I invite you to reach out to me with any money issues. Questions, concerns or comments are welcome.
Dr. Ella Lasky is the author of articles on how money issues affect couples and families and the topic of gender.